Kittens

My feral kitty is doing better and better every day. She uses her litter box without a problem, she now accepts petting and sometimes even comes to me for it. She will purr and twice she has almost started to play. She's still scared of open spaces so when she leaves her crate she runs and hides. She goes under my bed for the most part, though this morning she did crawl into the back of the oven. She's allowed out of her crate while I'm home, now, so she can adjust to big open spaces. Hopefully this happens quickly. I'm taking her to the vet tomorrow on my lunch break. If I'd worked there six months, I'd get a discount on services but 2 weeks leaves me nowhere. Oh well. I can't wait to get her de-wormed or to have her tested for feline leukemia or FIV, since her being positive would make it so I couldn't keep her. And worms can kill her if not treated. How fun.

I haven't eaten dinner the last two nights. For a few reasons. Too tired, too distracted, and not having anything to cook in the house. And not having the energy to figure out what to make for dinner and then going to the grocery store for food. I've learned I cannot go to the grocery store without a very specific plan because I will come home with a lot of things that seem to make sense together but will in reality never come together to form a meal.

That's my greatest weakness in cooking. I can't look at things and think "Oh, I can make this!" and I can't think of how to make something taste right if I forgot something. Which is weird because I can do those things with baking. I'm not the best at it there either, but I am much better with pies, cookies, or cupcakes when it comes to think about what to combine. Or add, subtract, or substitute.

So my solution has been to just skip the hassle. It's looking like tonight will be night number three.

I also looked at my bank account today and it made me a little uneasy and the only way to cut back on spending is food. The kitten is a surprise expense, but I knew what I was doing when I took her and her sister. They're worth cutting back a little more.

Last night I was thinking "I don't want to go to the kennel job tomorrow. After the zoo is just doesn't even come close to making me happy." And it was a big fat lie. I got to work today and I was happy to be there and I enjoyed myself. I was washing food dishes this morning and thought how impossible it is to doubt where  my passion lies. Five days a week, I work close to animals without getting paid. On my two days off from that I go to work close to animals. And now I come home from work to my animals. I spent half an hour under my bed last night petting the kitten in her safe spot, to show her I could be part of her safe spot and that she was allowed to have it. I spent another twenty minutes under there this morning before pulling her out to put her back in her crate.

I wake up to the kitten. Feed her. Clean her litter box. Go to work. Feed animals (zoo type or dog type, depending). Clean up after them. Feed them. Come home and feed the kitten again. Go to sleep. Animals animals animals.

I wonder why, sometimes. Why animals. What is it. Why is that where I feel I belong, why is that what I feel I can do best.

But it feels so good. To know where I belong and to know what I do best. And to work with people thinking about the same things. There are opinions, there are definitely different opinions and schools of thought about what to do and how to do it and why to do it that way. But it's this whole other language that I don't get to use most of the time. But at the zoo I get to use it and I get to hear it back. Here are some palm fronds, we need enrichment for the leopard. And then I get to go and wonder, if I were a leopard, what would I find stimulating but not scary?, and build a forest. And no one comes in  going "What are you doing?" They come in and help me wedge a palm frond into the wire mesh so it'll create a canopy for the leopard.

I love it.

Ever feel like something is just in your bones? Part of you? Part of who you are and what you're meant to be?

That's what this is.

But how on earth did it get there?