Dreaming of Cookies

I'll be honest, I've spent most of today sitting around. The first half of the day was spent planning the next leg of the road trip, which you (should have) already read about. And compulsively checking my email for that interview scheduling.

The second half of the day was spent looking at other blogs because I'm becoming more aware that blogging is a community, and there are other people writing about things I find interesting. (And if I can draw them in, maybe they'll think I'm interesting, too.)

I stumbled upon blogs written by people who love baking! It probably should've occurred to me a long time ago that these blogs existed, but I just never thought to look that closely. But now! So many people baking! Cakes, cookies, brownies! And decorating them! Decorating really fascinates me because I haven't really ever tried it too much. I'm not the biggest fan of frosting and that stands in the way of most decorating strategies. I'm starting to learn, though, that the truth is that I just really don't like canned frosting. Or the frosting used on some grocery store cakes. Which is stiff and thick and leaves and weird film in your mouth. Uck.

Anyway! I want to start decorating. Especially cakes. I would love to cover a cake in fondant and make little fondant flowers to cover it in. That sounds like a great way to spend a day. And there are so many decorating tools! And I want all of them!

Which leads me to one of those dreams people have--everyone has to have one of these--of something you would love to do in a far away type of way, because it's largely impractical and more work than it would be worth, really, but sounds nice in your head. Mine: having a bookstore/bakery. So I could bake and experiment and have customers to feed so it wouldn't be a waste of money that left me with a surplus of baked goods with nowhere to go. And I could surround myself with books and talk to people about books, too. Doesn't that sound really cozy? I think so.

By the way, if someone you know ever says they just finished baking 8 dozen cookies and then offers you some, do not refuse those cookies with the excuse that you're on a diet. Life is too short to refuse cookies and that person really would just like to feel good passing out some happiness. Take the cookies. Feed them to squirrels once you get them home if you don't want them.

I also found a list of 50 delicious, interesting cakes today and really want to make just about all of them. I can't wait to have a kitchen again. Super duper cannot wait.

Now, unrelated. I've been in an empty house for most of the day and I'm dog-sitting a mopey dog. He's been sleeping under the front window all day, waiting for his people to come home. He only recently decided that they won't be back for the night and has decided to come hang out with me. He's asleep under the couch, snoring. Just woke up to stare at the door. Not that it was unlikely, but I love this family's dog. He is such a sweet dog. He's a little older, greying around the face, but he is so well-mannered and good-natured. And he loves attention which makes it fun to pet him. He's very tired and just got up to go to his bed but the door is closed. Poor guy.

Well. This was a long post, in addition to my previous pretty long post earlier today. So there's lots of reading for you! It's my bedtime, though. I can stay up late when there's something to do, and I can stay up really late when there's something I need to do early in the morning, but I get tired pretty early when I have nothing to do. Strange.

The Meaning of Life

Here it is (the long version, of course):

About a month ago I responded to two adds on craigslist for part-time jobs in Nashville, figuring if I got them both it would be a perfect harmony of work. One was at a dog bakery (bakery for dogs, not baking of dogs) and the other was an animal keeper position working with exotic felines at an undisclosed facility. I emailed both, heard back from neither. Both had been old postings so I figured they'd been filled.

Today, I hear back from the exotic feline keeper posting! It has been some time since I sent my email so they emailed me to ask if I was still interested in the position. It was very hard for me to not respond "YES ABSOLUTELY I'LL BE THERE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!" and instead to respond in a semi-professional manner. It's part time and it pays minimum wage.

I would have to get a second job. It's in Nashville. A city I've never been to and don't know if I like. I would probably be living pretty close to the edge, as far as making ends meet every month.

But I don't care.


Because 20-30 hours a week I would be working with exotic felines. I'll come home sweaty and smelling like cat urine. I might come home just to change into another uniform and go back to work.

But I don't care.

This is the kind of job I'll make it work for. This is the kind of job that's worth being miserable for because everyday I was at work I would be so happy I could cry. That kind of happy makes it a lot easier to not cry when you're miserable.

I don't have this job yet. I don't have an interview yet. But I have contact. I have someone asking me if I'm interested. But this feeling right here, this lets me know that for the right thing, for the thing I want, it's worth it. That's a good feeling. Every other doubt and fear slips out of my mind because what I really want to do is, in fact, what I really want to do.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the job yet, but I'm glad that it gave me a sign that my heart is in this and it'll be worth it when it finally happens.

The Secret

You know what I really want to do?

Find a small, tiny little home. With one or two rooms. Not one or two bedrooms, one or two rooms. In the middle of nowhere. With or without electricity, as long as I have some source of light after dark. I want to cook using only my cast iron skillet, and maybe a teapot. I want to be in the middle of nowhere, with a dog. I want to read. And I want to learn how to write.

That's my dream.

The ATL

I left Knoxville late this morning and made the drive to Atlanta.

I think I like Atlanta more than Knoxville. First impression is better anyway. I got a little used to Knoxville by the time I left it, since I get oriented in new places pretty quickly, and getting that sense of where things are makes me feel settled a little, but I don't know. I like Knoxville, but I don't know if it's the place for me. When I went to New Orleans last year it took me 2 hours into the first day to fall in love with it and from there my love for the city just grew. That's what I want it to be like when I pick a place to live now. The cost of living in New Orleans is pretty high, but I think I'm going to look again and look for some jobs and see if I have any luck.

If I haven't figured out what to do or where to go by the end of my time in Tampa, I think I'm going to do a drive through the Deep South to get a look at some places there. And I'm going to look on my way down through Georgia because on the way through near the coast I liked it an awful lot. We'll see. I'm back to square one, I think.

I've been thinking, again, some more, like always. And I have myself more confused than ever before. I know what I would really like to do, but I don't know if I would really like to live on those wages, living month to month and not having room in my budget to make me feel safe and comfortable. I did that in college for 3 years and it's stressful and unpleasant. I think a job I really loved would make it worth it, but I don't know if a mediocre job would. If I'm working two jobs to make ends meet, I want one of those jobs to be the thing I really really want to do. Not cleaning kennels at a vet clinic. If I'm running my savings out, I want it to be for a really awesome internship. If I went to the Himalayas to save snow leopards all I'd want is shelter and food, I wouldn't care about anything else because I'd be doing the coolest thing in the world. But if I'm miserable at my job, I at least want to be able to go to the bookstore once a week without thinking about how it's going to mess up my finances for a whole month.

So I don't know where to go, what to do, what to settle on. I hate the idea of just barely coming out on top every month and I hate the idea of giving up the idea of what I want to do just to make a little more money. I don't know where the compromise is.

That's what I have to figure out. On top of the whole where-in-the-world-do-I-want-to-live thing.

So there's all of that. Tomorrow I think I might go to the aquarium. They have a whale shark!